Let’s not get bogged down with the merits, ethics and value or otherwise of abusing players. Let’s just have some fun and take a look at some of poker’s most hilarious chat.
First, how not to do it:
Him: wtf,omg u fkn fish
Me: you should have raised
Him: I DID raise
Me: i mean you should have bet more
Him: you idiot i went all in
Me: sorry i mean you should have folded
Him: ok
Abusive one-liners
Start using your brain more and vagina less.
It must be hard to type with those hooves.
Do you have testicles? If so, learn to bet like it.
You must have blisters on your lips (if they respond, type, “You suck so hard.”)
Your village just called. Said their idiot went missing.
The subtle put down
God Bless Chris Moneymaker.
Nice try kid. You might want to stick to porn and video games.
You played that so bad they may accuse us of collusion.
You must be allergic to money. I’m here to help.
Don’t feel bad, the world needs roadsweepers too.
Would you like a receipt for tax purposes?
The response to abuse
Sorry, I cant hear you; I’m deaf.
I’m chat banned. Sorry I can’t reply.
You will die angry and alone.
I can’t hear you. Wait, while I move this wall of chips… that’s better, you were saying?
When you suck-out and he goes crazy
Super-user account; you should get yourself one.
I knew you were bluffing.
GAME OVER
PLEASE DEPOSIT MORE COINS TO CONTINUE
Ship it, clown!
How’s my dick taste?
I had pot odds.
I had a feeling.
You have to want it more.
As you hit your 2 or 3-outer type “Oh neat.”
When he asks how you could call, say, “Easy, I put you on a hand I could beat, and played it from there.”
Sometimes the most tilting response is simply to type, “ty”
When he sucks out on you
I’m going to go throw up now. While I’m gone, do the right thing and hang yourself.
But the best response is always, “nh”
ASCII drawings
<*}}}}}}}>< 8===>—- YOU
___/\___\o/_____
…………………./´¯/)
………………..,/¯../
………………./…./
…………./´¯/’…’/´¯¯`•¸
………./’/…/…./……./¨¯\
……..(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)
………\……………..’…../
……….”…\………. _.•´
……..
or the simpler, ,,i,,
Some of the funniest real chat conversations
Sugarb4355> u collect panties?
PantieCollecter> i have your sisters
PantieCollecter> stained
Sugarb4355> im drunk
PantieCollecter> so was she
PHILHELLMUTH: and pays off like a slot machine
HOSS_TBF: *exactly* like a slot machine
PHILHELLMUTH: I should have 50k right now
HOSS_TBF: maybe if you started with 200k
. . .
PHILHELLMUTH: hoss Im having scurity review this session first time ever, thats the truth.
Philhellmuth: never seen a guy win with 10-4 off suit more than you
hoss_tbf: i prefer the term “10-4 double suited”
bad beat player: “You idiot. Don’t you know how to play? You are the worst player I ever saw.” etc. etc.
Player not in the hand: “Hey don’t tap the glass. Let it go.”
bad beat player: “Its not like he can read anyways.”
wilnotletuwin: SAY IT AGAIN IT WIL CONFURM MOM DADS DEATH
cdnsixty9er: I confurm
wilnotletuwin: you durty litle son of basterd
wilnotletuwin: hunt you
cdnsixty9er: Im sorry man I dont wanna die do you forgive me?
wilnotletuwin: too late axe in car
cdnsixty9er: lolllll what
wilnotletuwin: say sorry 5 time i forgive
cdnsixty9er: sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
wilnotletuwin: ok i only kill mom now
cdnsixty9er: k thanks I dont even like her
cdnsixty9er: so ugly and weird looking
A: you make strange calls..
B: Your mother makes strange calls.
A: I had sex with your wife
B: My wife is in a coma
A: I thought she didn’t move much
xxx: f awful tard, will call anything
xxx: woops
xxx: sorry that was for my notes
Live chat
1. Come from behind to win a hand.
2. Start stacking your chips.
3. Listen to villain/fish berate you for your play.
4. Take picture of your stack with your camera phone.
5. Ask player opposite to take a picture of you behind your stack giving a smiling thumbs-up.
6. Ask villain/fish for his email address.
7. Offer to email him a picture of his money.
Miscellaneous
A: This table is terrible!
B: Wobbly leg?
Bet their full stack less $1.50
Type in chat, “left u with bus fare home”
If you want to appear fishy this one’s always good, “I was going to bluff you anyway, so I might as well call.”
Finally, if you want to really freak-out all the rigtards, try typing this one as the hand’s being played out, “*run:code view_hole_cards.exe *t123456.cfg // view all cards”
If you’re thinking to yourself about some of the above, “I wish I’d thought of that,” I’ll leave you with James Whistler’s reply when Oscar Wilde said the same thing to him: “You will, Oscar, you will.”
Happy chatting!
